The joys & struggles of an adolescent.

I think I’m back.

I dropped off the face of the planet for several months…and for that I apologize. I’m trying to make blogging a consistent part of my life again. BUT, my life is very inconsistent anyway, so I have no idea. Anyway! I’ve missed writing out my feelings and stuff. I just haven’t really found the need to in a while because I usually just talk things out with my friends these days. I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now. I don’t actually find myself doing really lame things to gain people’s respect anymore. And the acceptance of others has actually become a very insignificant part of my life. Also, my writing skills suck again. Another really big thing I’ve learned is to process my thoughts. It is something I thought I had been doing for a long time, but I was actually just dwelling in my self pity all along. Rookie mistake, am I right? I guess really all I’ve done is talk through my issues, and then move on from them. I’d say that’s a big step of self discovery.  But that’s just me. Other people might not think that’s super important. I don’t really have much to say at this point, but I just wanted to get it out there that I’m writing again. And this website is where you’ll find it. Okay, all that feels sort of lame now. But I’ll try to put aside the fact that this is blogging, and try to see it for what it TRULY is— talking things out. And I’m hoping you guys can see it that way as well. Goodnight friends.

God’s doing some rad stuff in my friendships.

I guess I never really thought God cared all that much about friendships. I mean, of course he does. But I never saw it as being big on his priorities list. But I can tell he’s giving me something special and he’s working in my life to make me a happier person. He knows what’s important to me, and what I value the most in people, and he is placing the perfect friends into my life. I also think he’s giving me opportunities to move away from the relationships that are no longer healthy for me. I just find his timing to be really funny. It’s obviously perfect. But when I have the chance to look back and think about certain situations, I laugh at my oblivion. I guess God wanted me to be oblivious to certain things because I wasn’t ready for them. I don’t really know how much this is making sense to any of you. But I’ll continue anyway. Some people who have been in my life for a while are just now becoming close friends of mine. I just wish I had seen the compatibility sooner. Then again, it’s possible we weren’t compatible until….now….that we’re friends. But I spent some time with two girls over the weekend and they were really cool. Their names are Jeffre and Mary. They’re a year older than me, but I feel like the three of us connected really well. Mary and I grabbed dinner before we met up with Jeffre, and we had time to talk. I swear, we were laughing at least every 20 seconds. And there were little things— like the mutual love for the song C’Mon Let Me Ride by Skylar Grey…. Hey, it’s a fun tune. But I realized through hanging out with Mary that we could definitely be really close friends. Jeffre is really awesome, too. She seems a little shy, but I can tell that she is a great person with a genuine care for everyone. They both have an overwhelming amount of joy that just seems contagious when you’re with them. Mary said she had been praying for a friend like me. It wasn’t until she said those words that I realized that this is all God’s doing. It just made my heart happy. I’m thankful for all of my friendships. and all of the ones to come. I wrote all this to say that I’m excited for my friendships and I’m thankful for the love God has for me, and his genuine care for my happiness.

I love my friends.

I hang out with the same people every weekend. I mean, none of them get annoying and there is never a dull moment. I’m just so thankful to have such Godly friends who I can also have a good time with. It’s important to feel wanted, and this group does a great job of showing appreciation towards one another. I’ve never felt so loved. Like, Rob burned me tons of cds, and even made a mix of his favorite songs. And last night, instead of going out and doing anything, JP, Meagan, Hannah, and I played Hide and Seek (in the dark) until around 1 am. These are just my kind of people. And after every time we hang out, I get a text for JP after I get home just making sure I got home safe. And he’ll text us all individually just explaining the specific reasons why he’s thankful for his friends. I’ll quit rambling. But one last thing. The thing I love the most about these people— Andrew, Meagan, Rob, Jacob, JP, Hannah, and Ali— is that we’re all so comfortable around each other. None of us like each other. We’re just all brothers and sisters. We can talk about the weirdest, most uncomfortable things…Comfortably. Haha. I just love them. I’m happy that I finally have a group of friends that I see more as family. That’s the way uh huh, uh huh I like it.

This was an okay weekend.

It was one of the best I’ve had in a while. Even with my negative Nancy attitude. I guess it was mainly because I spent all day watching How I Met Your Mother in the basement with Meagan and had a nice dinner with my small group tonight. I’ve definitely been in desperate need of rest. I mean, in a lot of ways. My mind has obviously been all over the place (and I’m sure you know that if you’ve read my recent posts) and I literally haven’t slept more than 4 hours a night for the past 3 weeks.

I’m going to skip all of the fun, interesting little details of what happened this weekend to the part where I say, “So basically, I’m thankful for having Hannah King as one of my best friends.” It was weird, but we were sitting in her car after dinner and I was like, “I have to tell you something.” And then pretty much explained that I’ve wanted to be close friends with her for the past 3 years, but I got the vibe that she didn’t really want to be. And then I found out that she thought I was too outgoing and that I would think she wasn’t that funny. Haha, that was her explanation. Well, it’s nice to know that people think I’m funny. But I don’t really like the intimidating side of it all. But anyway, I’m thankful for Hannah. Because we found out tonight how strangely similar we are, along with our passions. I think God is providing me with strong friends to make life better for me. And giving me people to share dreams and passions with, so that way we can pursue them together and not be scared because we aren’t in it all on our own. I like friends.

It’s just easy to see the potential that Hannah and I have to be best friends. Like I can see her being a bridesmaid at my wedding. Stupid thought. But I don’t care. Eat it.

Good night, everyone.

This is a safe place.

Well, the only people who take the time to read this actually care about what I have to say… Or maybe you’re just bored and need some sort of sad excuse for entertainment. Whatever the matter, I’m in that mood. Meagan and I refer to this feeling as “that mood”…Not “the mood” because that’s easily interpreted in a sexual way. But “that mood” is negative. That “wahhh, I’d rather be home, alone, in my room, away from human existence other than myself, wahhh”

I feel ashamed of the fact that I could easily cut ties with some of the friends I have now. Just because I don’t feel like anyone is benefiting from the relationship. I’m trying to look at it in positive light… Like, well, maybe this is God giving me an easier way out of here. So, if I do move out of the state or out of the country, it won’t be as painful to say goodbye.

But I’m scared that this feeling that I have that maybe I could potentially live in Africa or something is just a lie I’m telling myself. At small group I hear so many girls say that they have big plans. But they said that about a different idea a month before that…And a month before that…And a month before that. I see how often people don’t stay true to their plans. Not that they choose to change them, but of course God leads them down a different path. I don’t want to be lead down a different path. Because this path just makes sense to me. I just want to stay with this plan.

I just don’t want to face it alone. But I’ve always felt alone. I’ve always been alone. I just haven’t found the right person yet. But when I try to look at this in a positive light, God has given me an advantage that most people can’t say that they have. I think I have a lot of strength and independence. Emotional and physical. Because not feeling loved by someone walking this earth hurts, and people find weakness in the fact that they can’t live without feeling appreciated by someone of the opposite gender. I mean, hey. I’d like to be appreciated, but the truth is that I’m not. And because of that, I have the independence to go out into the world without anyone holding me back, and seeing what God wants to teach me. Unless he decides he doesn’t want me to face this world alone, and he wants a man by my side. Then he’ll put him right in front of me, and I’ll just know. So that’s comforting.

But hey, the hurt is still there. And it will be. I like to think about the day I can adopt, and I can see my husband. I don’t want to raise my future children without a father. I don’t know how it looks on your end, but I’m sure I probably seem like a psycho for thinking about such weird things. But I’m just really obsessive over the path I’m taking, and where it is leading. I just want to know where my life ends up right now.

I have just never been a big fan of surprises.

The reoccurring question of my junior year?

“Where do you want to go to college?”

My response every time- “Eh, I don’t know.”

You want to know how I truly want to respond? Okay.

Probably nowhere considering that my GPA proves me to be mentally ill or something. I’ve slacked off for going on 3 years. Psh, I won’t be accepted into any college. If I do go, it’ll be community college. Guys, I don’t even want to be here. Maybe I’d like Tennessee more if I actually liked the life I’m living. I can’t even decide where I want to go for high school, so don’t expect me to make the decision of where I want to go for college. I can’t. And I won’t until I know I’m sure. Even if that takes years. If I’m okay with it, you better be freaking okay with it. Because I’m Sarah Doyle. This is my body. My soul. You don’t make my decisions, so you should stop trying to influence them. For all I know, I’ll be living in Africa after high school. If I feel out of place here, maybe my calling is somewhere else. I have a passion for foreign missions, so why not follow that?

I don’t even want to think about after high school yet. What about right now? What can I do to improve my life now?

Switch schools?

Move out of my house?

I don’t even like CAK or feel comfortable at CAK, so I shouldn’t have to stay as a favor to a friend. But what if Farragut for my senior year is the biggest mistake of my high school career?

I used to be considered the “angel” of my family, but now I’m easily the most unwanted person there. For a long time, the only person who could tolerate speaking to me, and I could tolerate in return, was my dad. But now we can’t even speak for more than 5 minutes without me being “bratty” or “self centered” or in need of more therapy. No one likes me because I’m the only person who doesn’t put up with bipolar behavior. The way my family handles things is a little like this— We let stress build over time, explode, pretend it never happened. In my home, it’s seldom we hear apologies. Is it because everyone thinks it is a sign of weakness? I’m sorry, but no one is real with one another… I don’t like it. So if you yell at me and call me names, sorry sis, I’m not going to forgive you until you’re sorry. I’m human and I have feelings. So if you hurt them, it doesn’t take a shrug of my shoulders to feel better.

Listen, I do love my family. We’re as weird and dysfunctional as any family… But in a lot of ways, we’re in need of repair. And I don’t know how to balance friends, family, and school all at once. I’m not that talented. I’ve gotten pretty mediocre at all of those things. I’m a disappointment. I’m not ready for college. I don’t have best friends. My family thinks I’m crazy. But whatever. It’s my fault.

Long story short… College. Eh, I don’t know.

YES WAY

It has just been announced that CAK is doing The Wizard of Oz for their musical this year…. Oh hey, I think I’ll audition for the wicked witch of the west.

Something to remind yourself.

I may not be the prettiest girl on the planet, or the funniest, or the one with the best personality. But I have the potential to be all of those things to someone else. Everyone has the potential to be special to someone.